Secretcorner81

I suppose I ve reached to a place far from here. I know I am still walking, got my hopes all hanging. I suppose I am still hoping for some miracles to happen in my life. Therefore, I suppose my hopes will still be growing untill there is no more life to live. Through our journey we suppose and expect alot from people, life, and from dreams. We keep on piling hopes on others, things, and on ourselves and expect miracles to happen by itself. We justify by "hopes never die", only bodies of flesh deteriorate. But have you supposed, what happen to your dreams when you die. Who can nurture them, or keep them growing or even take care of them! Or have you supposed, how will hopes live when all you do is dream and nothing else! We see much, only when we set our direction in the dark. We build a stronger sense of direction, self and all our senses. Its only when you are in the dark you think clearly, only when everyone goes to sleep and you stay awake flipping your thoughts ...

Created by a mess inside my busy head, I rest from all. I start to fetch for some words for some occassions. They fall as they regain strenght, I quiver in dismay. I keep collecting them in groups, they refuse to stay!! Hard to reveal what has been brewing inside, because no one will understand except your pen and some papers. I decide to write on a journey of 1000 words, I walk endlessly. I met him inside the aisles of the "unknown". I never understood why, how, when or what? I stay with no intention to speak, my head is breaming with words I cant figure them out.I get lost in this maze. Why cant this maze has a map? I remembered, I dont read maps! I decide to walk, and walk and never stop. I catch a bird eating some leftovers thrown by a man on the lake, the bird seems so happy, today he seemed so lucky, i stand for hours watching the seagulls and the flying crows resting all over in celebration. Celebration of food! I took another route to where the sun rest in den...

Dear Diary: He thinks, I dont care- but I do. He thinks I dont love him- but I do. I dont know what to say, or do- I dont know where to go or whom to talk to .. Please diary, tell me what to do! I think I ve been over writing since then- I am writing with no direction, just for the sake of release ! I am haunted by chaos- emotions turmoil, mainly, I am in pain! I surrender to pain so many times- and find myself diving in a deep sleep-  swiming with my unconscious mind- I run in circles- I am lost I want to write, endlessly- with no direction or goal or even spirit.. Just drafting my own choas on a piece of paper that I find anywhere- even at the bottom of the sea..! I try to prove it- but I fail- and I wonder in endless circles of chaos. I shiver, I stammer- and finds no end.. why this pain dont settle- dont go away" I scream" I cant stop, or maybe cant find reasons for me to stop.. I said I am not going to write, or even think or maybe rewind back or even li...

I think I saw you somewhere- that i cant recall. I wonder, I felt this before- but I cant remember when, and I wonder. I traced a finger on my memory- I traced my life back ,memories are built from scents and melodies. Memories that look so young and fair. I think, I saw you when there were so many things to share, I saw you when hopes were so wonderfull! - and I wondered! I was there- thats what I can recall. I was there with so many things to share- I was there when my heart was so free- I was there when my heart never knew its own worries ..thats what I recall. I stood there for so many days, maybe years, or maybe even one day- but I recalled I spared so much of my patience. I stood with hope,courage,love and so much giving. I stood and hope was filling my heart- filling my sound of sanity-and I wondered. I waited, so many times- with hope everything will become better. I think, i was there counting down- so busy counting down,wearing my patience before my pride-forgiving...

Our days are ongoing, it takes us into journeys of never ending. We never get a chance to breath properly, or even say thank you to the little details we share or have in our life. Hectic routines, ambitious dreams, ongoing goals, objectives,problems to deal and many more. We never get to stop or hit the stop button for seconds to smile, even! I figurered out, that life is only beautiful when i get to see my surrounding a little bit different each day. Every day, i see my surrounding even my messy room, I smile and say thank you. I say thankyou because I ve been blessed with so many things, that other might dream of. I say thank you, because this word brings along miracles. I say thankyou because it makes me feel great, it makes me feel safe, it makes me feel who i am, at this moment. I stopped, then- I felt i was so rushing, so running, so tired, so not me, so not comfortable anymore, so suffocated! I stopped because I felt this is not me- not healthy. Even your rushing thoughts ...

" Its been a long while since I felt this way,again! Today, I dont know what I am expressing, but I am doing it anyway. I know things are different now, I know thats the truth. I know that I am missing it, and I dont know if that is the truth! I think, I am thinking too much, and thats the price of that too. I know I am hurt, cause I feel that too. What I dont know? if someone out there is thinking of me too ! "  December 2007 I ve been always sorry, consumed inside my regrets and sorrow. Repenting the times I ve stood for myself, or maybe acted out of my characters,cause i was taught to always be the good girl, the good student, the good citizen, the good woman, everything should be good to be blessed. I was never taught to be myself~ I remember, when I was a little kid, I had a ravenous character to be a rebel. I shouted and screamed, and acted outside my zone of comfort. But instead of nurturing that, i was inversed to be the opposite. I think, this is how ...